It should be easy to focus on personal wellbeing when the world around you is on fire, but honestly, it seems like the least important thing. This is problematic. I think it’s a result of lots of things rolling together for me. I don’t think I’ll be able to focus again until the inauguration is finished, because jesus christ what the fuck is up with our country right now. We’re now in month 10 of pandemic time, and everyone is just worn the hell out.
Plus – apparently when you quit smoking (45 days and counting) your body chooses to expel everything all at once. It’s just gross. There’s just so much phlegm. Sorry, that’s gross. We’ll call it bunnies. There are so many bunnies. I wake up coughing, I go to sleep coughing. My chest hurts. And I’ve got asthma so sometimes the coughing is so intense that it triggers an asthma attack, which is just so much fun. So it’s been Benadryl for sleepytime and I just got a z-pack because some of the bunnies were brown and that can’t be good.
I’m still intent on being healthy, but I’m SUPER AWARE that we are living in extraordinary times, and that my body is still reeling from what I did to it. I haven’t had any fast food (yaaaaay) and my snack choices are more nuts and cheese instead of Ding Dongs and more Ding Dongs.
I have been more active, but haven’t been on the bike in a while. It’s hard while I’m so congested. Evidently you need lung capacity to do cardio? What? But I FEEL better, even with all of the bunnies. My sleep is back on track and I’m apparently a morning person now?
I think that I am at the tail end of my personal 10 of Swords moment. In the tarot the 10 swords is a card that literally means you’ve hit rock bottom. It’s a person who’s been impaled by a bunch of swords, they’re having a bad day. I’m realizing that the smoking thing didn’t just go away, and that I needed time to heal from that, so my BIG NEW HEALTHY LIFESTYLE has to chill for a bit while I catch my breath.
So what do we do after we hit rock bottom? We rest and try to stop bleeding. We triage our self-care needs, and stop picking on ourselves over not being “perfect”, whatever the fuck that means.