I’m doing ok. I’m hesitant to cop to being stable, but the weeks are starting to feel routine, and I haven’t had a heart or kidney or brain medication change in two months. I’m not sure if you know what a big deal that is, but those medications change your whole life and then, if they don’t work right, you get to have withdrawal. And then try a new pill. It’s exhausting, but I think inspiring for me right now, too.
I’m the Fool.
In the world of tarot. the Fool is card zero. Literally, its number is zero. It’s the starting off point for the Major Arcana, and for the Fool’s Journey within that Arcana. The Fool card is about taking chances and new steps. Being bold, courageous and maybe a little bit foolish.
What we don’t discuss a lot, though, is how exhausting it can be to be the Fool. To be the one to call first, to dream big, to start the idea for an adventure. It’s hard to always be game.
Being the Fool is scary, but what better time to be brave. It is scary to be bold, but if you’d wanted a normal life, you wouldn’t be wearing those jester’s bells. It’s scary to take the first step, but you know deep in yourself that if you don’t, one day you’re going to wake up and realize that the chances you didn’t take shaped your life TOO. In ways you didn’t plan or want.
The lesson of the Fool is to jump. The life lesson of the Fool is that it’s hard, and scary and you can do it. You can do hard things. One step at a time. That first step, though. It’s a doozy.
I’m getting used to the idea that the Fool is going to keep showing up for me until my path is more stable. I have to stay ready. Gather together those things that make my brain and body do their best and keep them in my little bindle for the next time I fall off of the cliff. And because I know me, I can predict that I’ll get right back up, whine quite a bit about how awful everything is, and try again.
I encourage you to do the same. Don’t forget about the whining. Super important part of the whole thing.