So, along with this new year thing, I’m going to talk about something I’ve noticed in a lot of readings lately. Folks are expecting other people to change for them and their needs. This is not working out for a bunch of reasons.
The main one though, is that my clients don’t have good boundaries.
Unless you’re raising the people that you’re in conflict with, it’s not your job to change them. If you’re in a relationship and say, “He just keeps doing X and he won’t stop. I keep trying and trying and we fight and I hate it”, that’s super frustrating, but unless he has a reason to STOP doing X, he’s not gonna. Or he will, for a while, and then revert back to the behavior.
Good boundaries would look more like this: “He just won’t stop doing X. I’ve asked him twice and explained my side of the situation, but he refused to stop and so I broke up with him.”
If it’s something that’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s a dealbreaker. It’s non-negotiable.
Dan Savage gave a great speech about how to know something is non-negotiable.
The second is that you can’t fix people you didn’t break. You just can’t. If their parents or life has busted them in some way, you don’t have a chance to change them without causing resentment and resistance. And honestly, it’s not your job. You’re either a caretaker or a co-worker. A caretaker or a partner. You don’t get to do both. Align your boundaries with what your role is and then stay there.
You’ll learn to adjust your expectations with the people in your life and start meeting them where they are. Remember, they’re doing the same for you.
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